Written Jan 5th 2012:
I was staring at the bullet, looked like a copper marble in the middle of a spiral, we always had the taboo of looking down the barrel, someone might think us crazy, but today there was so much more at stake then the judgement of a fellow with a funny haircut.
I’m logged online and Dave keeps fucking up my concentration, “don’t do it” he says, one person online at 1 am, so i write :
-To all my family, brothers from another mother and friends, there is nothing to fear ahead of you, once this realizes into your mind, so many thing become peaceful within you, you try so hard but when dream after dream crumbles in front of you, well there is only so much one can endure, i saw this movie “zeitgeist” on religion and is quite remarkably one of the best films that explain in detail how we have been duped and manipulated into thinking that which is ridiculous and insane, it helped loose the fear of a “hell” just one more fail safe to ensure our compliance,what happens to us after we are not here? do our actions matter in this physical realm? the mind is such a dangerous place to wander in, and still so inviting, part lazy, part curious, part hurt and delirious, i sit here with the ultimate decision, to be or not to be, to push on through with all of it or just be brave and reach out, course many will be hurt and sad, but i do believe with all my heart that life moves on, it has this long at least-
There is Taylor again trying to keep me alive, bless him.
Every inch of this place reminds me of her, i have realized that without those you love this things i sit on or stare at are just things, my surroundings are no longer those of a home, Born in Tijuana then uprooted and moved to the states at 16 only to be stucked in a culture that does not want me or accept me, so i left to go to a different system which did not accept me either, it was there in Fort Nogent that i realized i was making the same mistake again. So i went home, and for a time it was good, but then she came along and with that love and good intentions which are so usual for loved ones, she took a sledge hammer to my bubble of self preservation, and it hit me like a round straight to a Kevlar, i don’t belong here, i dont fit, and it would be nice to feel what that is like.
I am Mexican but my way of thinking and doing is all american, my arrogance and pride, my love and fondest memories do not come from this border town, they hail from some bright light boulevard or a farmers high school.
Now is hard not to notice the run down buildings, the decadent streets, and the fake wanna-be american joints that fool only the ignorant, is coming, i feel it and the only thing that keeps me afloat is hope, hope that things will get better that life still has a chance, that i still have some strength.
I am a fool for hoping.
I didn’t pull the trigger that night, and once things settled a bit i figured out the after life will always be there waiting life wont. So don’t give up yet, and know that every feeling you’ve ever felt, so have someone else, even if they pronounce it, show it or deal with it in a different way, millions of people have felt the same way you do. So how can you be alone?